Tim’s Horror Tweet Reviews: “The Amityville Horror” Double Feature (1979 & 2005)

Our resident Twitter reviewer Tim Schilling is back with a double feature this time of both the original “Amityville Horror” as well as the well liked Ryan Reynolds “Amitville Horror” remake. This is the first time we have down a twitter review double feature so let’s see how it goes and let’s see which one of the two horror flicks Tim thinks is a cut above the other.

The Amityville Horror (1979)
Thoughts before the film: Original ‪#TheAmityvilleHorror‬. The remake will be the next movie I watch. I have never seen either, haunted house movies aren’t my thing. Actually, that’s a lie. I’ve seen the ending to this movie a bunch of times. One of my earliest horror movie memories.

Thoughts while watching:
0:09 If the side of the house didn’t look like the freaking devil, I’d love to live in it.
0:16 Sneak into someone’s house, get attacked by flies. Karma, bitch.
0:17 That thing that screamed get out made me pee my pants. I dont do ghost movies cause they scare the shit outta me.
0:21 Dads in movies are always so brave to go down in the basement. Fuck that, I won’t go near the basement.
0:25 Little do they know, all the ghosties are watching them do the nasty.
0:29 If I wake up at 3:15 tonight I’m gonna cry.
0:34 Oh okay so my house used to have the same flooring as the house in this. Am I gonna be haunted tonight?
0:37 Nuns are overdramatic.
0:46 Nice headpiece.
0:48 Oh man she really wanted to get out of the closet. Her knuckles were bleeding after a minute.
1:00 George is getting a little grumpy.
1:10 This movie has way too much filler in it.
1:19 Jodi, your eyes scared me. You’re a jerk.
1:24 Hey lady you gotta pay for breaking my wall.
1:25 Oh no there’s something under the stairs. I need my dog right now.
1:28 Something as simple as turning the cross upside down is terrifying in this movie.
1:32 When horror goes all religion like, it freaks me out. I really don’t know why.
1:33 Like, that guy just went blind. What the heck! Que the creepy music.
1:34 Oh fuck me. Where were those drums coming from!?
1:36 Thank god my cat just came clawing at the door. He ain’t leaving my room.
1:47 What’s a pig doing in your house?
1:49 I bet they were waiting until the house started bleeding to finally decide to leave.
1:51 The dog asshole, get the dog!
1:53 It’s tar man from ROTLD!

Final Verdict:
After all of the horror movies that I have seen, ‪#TheAmityvilleHorror‬ is honestly one of the scariest. Even though it is really dated, it’s scarier than most crap that is made today.

The Amityville Horror (2005)
Thoughts before the film: Remake this time!

Thoughts while watching:
0:04 I can never take Ryan Reynolds seriously. I just always think of him in Waiting and Just Friends.
0:08 The house isn’t as creepy looking as in the original.
0:15 I like that they have the same mirror in the bedroom as the original, they were unique and weird looking.
0:18 But I don’t like, is that they’re actually showing the ghosts…
0:19 I find it hilarious that this little girl ends up playing the bad ass Hit Girl in Kick-Ass.
0:24 Fuck ghost movies, not this again!
0:31 LOL, this babysitter.
0:34 I wouldn’t be able to stay in a house where people were murdered at.
0:46 Um what are you doing on the roof?
0:50 What I like a lot about the remake, is that the kids play a bigger part than they did in the original.
0:57 You killed the dog, you’re dead to me.
1:03 The guy saying GEEET OUUUT in this one totally failed, no way did it match the original one.
1:11 Why do all remakes have to try to be stylish? They all look exactly the same.

Final Verdict:
‪#TheAmityvilleHorror‬ improved in some parts over the original a lot, which I thought was really good, but it went over the top when it tried to be as scary as the original. The entire ending didn’t work, & the fact you could see the ghosts this time made it less scary.

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Worst Horror Remakes: “The Amityville Horror” (2005)

I suppose I let myself down with this one. Amping something up for MONTHS usually doesn’t end in an amazing cinema experience. But neither does 89 minutes of jump scares and string-along storytelling.

To those very very few in the horror community unfamiliar, The Amityville Horror details the “its true because Hollywood says so” story of Ronald DeFeo who ended up murdering his family in a small Long Island town in 1974. A year later, the Lutz family moves in, and before you can say “OOGA-BOOGA”, everything comes out the woodwork, the father goes nuts and the mother is wondering how long her daughter will talk to her new “imaginary” friend.

To pinpoint this film’s troubles is, in itself, trouble. I should probably start off in noting that just about everyone involved with this movie said how close it was going to stay to the book. “The original is a classic, but we’d like to use the book”. Well if using the book means using the title page (which reads “The Amityville Horror: A True Story) well then they’ve succeeded. But instead of celebrating their glory, maybe they should have read a few more pages.

The novel by Jan Anson takes place in diary form. Each day (there are 28 that they stayed) is noted with what happened paranormal or otherwise. When the 1979 film came out, I can understand why this wouldn’t work in a horror form (many audiences reportedly got so annoyed with the “Day 1” “Day 5” “Day Whatever” set up that they cheered when “The Last Night” appeared on the screen). The 2005 remake takes to using 2 titles: Day 15. Day 28. Just a little odd don’t you think? One might get the idea to just scrap the title cards all together. After all, storytelling and film making has changed greatly since 1979 and title cards aren’t required.

Subtle scares that we’re once present in the book and original movie (the smell of perfume in an empty house, a disappearing stranger, moving of objects, moving shadows, etc) we’re instead scrapped for more “jump” thrills (so many in fact, that if you look at the “Scare Reel” of the DVD which has all the scary moments: its only about 2 minutes long. NOT very impressive) : the closing of a door reveals a dead Native American, the moving of a body reveals a hanging girl, a locked closet reveals said girl again. Sure they work for a second, but the dread and fear present in many other (far better) films stick with the mind longer than a jolt.

If only this one followed the original book as promised, a lot more could have come from it. It seems like everything was made as a quick teen cash in. The most obvious is the “hot babysitter” who is there for cleavage and pot smoking only. Oh, and to be locked in a closet. CGI GALORE and scenes that weren’t present anywhere in any original source material. For dramatic effect, one can understand, but when that little girl climbs onto the roof…come on. Maybe as a Long Islander and Amityville fan since 8 years old, I’m slightly jaded. It’s like someone babysat my child, beat him and handed him back telling me he’s good IF NOT BETTER than before. Hey…maybe it was the Lutz’s babysitter!

—Ryan Mason Burgos