Horribly Entertaining Holiday Horror Movies: “Elves” (1989) Review

Elves is about an elaborate plot cooked up by the Nazis to breed a superhuman by having a teenage virgin who is the product of incest mate with a weird-looking, killer elf. Which there is only one of; there are no elves in Elves. Just one shitty elf puppet in a Santa hat who can barely open and close its mouth. It’s kind of a bad plan on the Nazis’ part, and takes forever. One of the soldiers has to have a daughter, wait until she’s breeding age, then rape her and get her pregnant, to produce the child of incest. Which, if they’re trying to create superhumans, I’m fairly certain incestuous reproduction is not the secret to stronger, more evolutionarily developed stock.

So then, the Nazi has to wait for the incest baby to be born, wait for her to become a teenager, and then just hope that she and her friends accidentally summon the elf during a witchy anti-Christmas forest ritual. Which they do, obviously, but regardless, it’s already 1989. The war is long over, and this killer elf is no match for an aspiring department store Santa (he can’t seem to actually get the job) played by Dan Haggerty, who helps the teenage incest daughter fight the elf and her Nazi grandfather/father. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but those Nazi folk had some terrible ideas. And I am absolutely blaming the fictional Nazis in the movie for such bad plotting, and not the filmmakers, who made an amazingly entertaining film. I fucking love this movie. Please, have yourself a Nazi little Christmas, and treat yourself to this classic tale of Christmas delight!

–Austin Wolf-Sothern