Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “The Jar” (1984)

Slasher StudiosJar (1984)

Paul gets into a car accident with an old man who is out of his mind and carries around a large jar in a brown paper bag. Paul (who sounds just like Radish from Final Exam) takes this strange man to his apartment to get him cleaned up and send him on his way but the man mysteriously vanishes, leaving the jar behind. Overcome by curiosity, Paul opens the jar and takes a peek inside. Inside the jar he sees a fetus-like creature staring back at him! From that moment on Paul is overcome by horrifying hallucinations. Days go by like minutes and he can no longer tell what is reality and what is a dream. He tries to get rid of the jar but it just keeps coming back to haunt him! Can Paul’s beautiful female neighbor help him through his paranoia? Or, like the old man who left him the jar, will Paul lose his mind… forever?

Everyone who knows me knows that I love bad horror movies, and I can endure the worst of the worst. But I have to admit, it was quite a stretch for me to get any enjoyment out of this one. 75% of the movie consists of Paul’s hallucinations which are nothing but random scenes with a lack of narrative. It’s like watching the video from The Ring (2004) but instead it’s an hour long and it’s not scary. Paul witnesses things like blood rising from his bathtub drain, and then he his transported to a children’s park where a little girl releases a balloon into the air and then they hold hands. Stuff like that. So artistic, isn’t it? There were a few cool camera and lighting effects but the filmmakers were a little too ambitious, and in the end it just came off as way too artsy-fartsy. With the 20 minutes of actual storyline and dialogue with other characters there were some laughs to be had with the awful acting and a stupid script, but unfortunately those entertaining scenes were too few and far between.

[[SPOILER ALERT]] In the end, Paul kills his pretty neighbor because he imagines that she is the strange old man who left him the jar. He then passes on his demonic possession to his concerned boss who stops by his apartment. The End. I saw that ending from a mile away, and I’m sure all of you would have too. I for one got a LITTLE enjoyment out of this, but it’s really hard to recommend this one to anyone but fans of really, really, really bad trash film. This isn’t The Last Slumber Party by a long shot. So without a linear storyline or an entertainingly bad cast, there just wasn’t enough fun to be had. But if your curiosity takes over and you decide to take a peek inside The Jar, consider yourself forewarned!

–Jeffrey Lee

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Frogs” (1972)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

This is such a bad film and not the “so good its bad” type of bad, just bad. I remember I got this film on DVD back in the early 2000’s and it was 1 dollar, when I popped it in I was expecting some cheesiness(I mean come on a hand coming out of a frogs mouth is laughable), but about 10 minutes into the film I found myself scratching my head at how the hell this film could have been commissioned to be made and even worse how a big actor(at the time)like Sam Elliott could have been convinced to play in this. The film should be titled “Amphibians” or “Reptiles” as I don’t remember a physical attack made by a frog, lizard, turtles and other swamp creatures, the frogs don’t really do anything until the end and even than they don’t attack.

The acting is just not up to par with anything resembling this type of flick and the way it is written and directed you can tell there was no love put in this film. This film would look better on the SyFy channel, but considering this was given a theatrical release makes it even worse.

I can’t really say much about the film, I haven’t see it in years and the plot to me was just stupid when I watched it I didn’t care to remember it, except the family the reptiles are killing are those who have been killing the life in their home, so you can say its supposed to be The Birds but with amphibians and reptiles.

–Eric Curto

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Children of the Living Dead” (2001)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Let me just say I thought it was an interesting experiment what Russo did with the 30th Anniversary Edition of the film he co-wrote with George Romero(for those who don’t know he co-wrote Night of the Living Dead and went on to the produce the first Return of the Living Dead, when he and Romero split ways), but taking out footage and adding into the film it allowed for him to show his own version that he can really call his own, was it successful, well not always, it is nice that he got the original cemetery zombie actor back, but being 30 years later you can tell he has aged and a lot of the scenes really make no sense, in my opinion he could have filmed scenes featuring some of what we hear the people talk about and find a way around showing them directly, but that is another review, this is for the film that came after it, which is much much worse.

I had heard about this film for quite a while and after getting the 30th Anniversary Edition(as well as the Millennium Edition)of the original film, I thought I’d at least find out what all the hate was about, I mean the film is so bad the director apologized for making it. What I found was that this film is just a disaster from start to finish, the make up FX on the zombies was terrible and looked like it was done by film students, the acting was horrendous, making you wonder if they were just plucked from the street and not even given lessons, the pacing of the film is the slowest, I mean its not even that long of a film, but it feels longer than Wes Craven’s New Nightmare’s credit sequence.

Tom Savini is put down as a star and while he is in this film, I’d say he is more of a nostalgia cameo, like in Land of the Dead(however that continued his character from Dawn of the Dead, this was new). The box cover says, “From the Executive Producer of A Nightmare on Elm Street” and while this is referring to Joseph Wolf (upon further looking he did work on Halloween 2 and 3),saying that doesn’t mean it’ll be good, it just means they got someone who was on a better film.

The other thing is what does this have to do with the previous film? I mean putting down “Living Dead” doesn’t make it a sequel, I mean if it did we have 5 films in the “Return” series, we have a film called “Flight of the Living Dead” and so on. Before you mention the Romero franchise, there is a common thread in those films, the zombie evolve in each film and in each film we get just a peek more of the reality of their evolution, this has none of that. Like I said before the acting is just horrible, the cinematography felt like it was done by a used camera from a library, a lot of night scenes making it hard to even see the characters, now I know in some films that’s useful to create suspense, but too much of anything is bad and its bad here.

I just don’t know anything good to say abut the film, its not worth owning and seeing as its not part of a collection, I don’t see a reason to even own it. You’d be happier doing what Ash does in Evil Dead II and sawing your hand off and letting it give the finger to it.

–Eric Curto

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Bad 90’s Horror Movies: “Wes Craven Presents Wishmaster” (1997)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

The movie tells the story of an ancient Djinn which is trapped inside a red diamond and waits for somabody to unleash its power. The movie begins with a narration of the back story of the Djinn and says that the one who wakes a Djinn shall be given three wishes. Upon the granting of the third, the unholy legions of the Djinn shall be freed to rule the earth. Fear one thing in all there is…fear the Djinn.

Then the scene tales place in America where a wooden crate falls and breaks by accident. A worker finds the diamond and keeps it only to find out the wicked results of posessing it. The truth is that we are talking about a very bad movie here but very pleasnt to watch. There are some very interesting cameos in the movie such as Robert Englund who was Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street series, played an antique collector and Kane Hodder, who played Jason Voorhees in the Friday the 13th series, played a security guard. Also in the film were Tony Todd from Candyman, Ted Raimi from Darkman, Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness, Ricco Ross from Aliens, Joseph Pilato from Day of the Dead, Reggie Bannister and the voice of Angus Scrimm (both of the Phantasm films), Jenny O’Hara from the later Devil, Jack Lemmon’s son Chris Lemmon from Just Before Dawn and George “Buck” Flower (who was often used in small parts in various horror-movies of the 1980s and early 1990s, often directed by John Carpenter). Verne Troyer of later Austin Powers fame appears as the smaller Wishmaster when he first escapes from his gem prison.

It is also interesting to note the appearance of a Pazuzu statue, a personification of the demonic figure which possessed Linda Blair’s character in the Exorcist series. This can be seen in Beaumont’s collection room and on display during the party scene where it attacks some of the guests, though it is never formally referenced. Wes Craven was one of the producers of this films. Anyway, every decent director has the right to astray once a while. So, are you ready to make a wish?

–Panos Tsiros

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Tim’s Slasher Tweet Reviews: “Leprechaun 4: In Space” (1997)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Our resident twitter reviewer Tim Schilling is back battling the evil leprechaun, this time in space!, with a brand new tweet by tweet review for “Leprechaun 4: In Space.” Campy, over-the-top, and with graphics that make SYFY look like Avatar, it seems to be just what the doctor ordered with this series. Nevertheless, does it get “too” goofy so that we now longer care? Let’s dig in and find out!

Thoughts before the film:
I’ve been looking forward to this movie since I started watching this series again. Also its the last 1 I own,& I dont like the series enough to buy the last 2. Even tho itll bother me that I dont own 2 of them. #Leprechaun4

Thoughts while watching:
0:01 Oh god these animations… Syfy does a better job.
0:03 ….what’s on this guy’s head.
0:06 I actually liked Jason X, so if this is at least similar to it, since it’s going in the future and all, I’ll be happy.
0:12 The leprechaun even has a light saber now. He is definitely a Jedi master.
0:15 I wanna know who’s idea it was to have someone get shocked by peeing on the leprechaun’s detached arm.
0:19 I won’t ask why there’s a night club on a space ship with ~20 people on it.
0:23 Why isn’t the leprechaun rhyming?
0:28 Katy Perry would definitely play the princess if they remake this movie.
0:32 The ship carries hazmat suits in size leprechaun?
0:36 I’d love to read the script to this movie. It must be absolutely ridiculous.
0:49 Did Shakespeare really say shit happens?
0:58 I can see where the prosthetics begin and it’s the only thing I can look at now on the captain.
1:08 Don’t be a drag just be a queen.
1:19 Bimbo from hell. You mean Princess Peach?
1:31 The leprechaun can’t be alive after this movie.

Overall:
#Leprechaun4 wasn’t as fun to watch as the others. I think I got sick of the obvious inconsistencies and just lazy filmmaking finally.

To follow Tim on twitter: https://twitter.com/schillingt
To follow Slasher Studios on twitter: https://twitter.com/slasherstudios

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Night of Horror” (1981)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

I see the term “worst horror movie ever” thrown around a lot online and I am usually shocked when I see the movies that are being referred to. Most of them I adore! Night of Horror is one that I can’t say I enjoyed. It commits the ultimate sin of being unbelievably boring.

The movie concerns a group of four adults heading out for a trip. They end up having some mysterious RV trouble and find themselves stranded in the middle of nowhere. Okay, there’s the plot. There’s really nothing else to the plot other than that. This is going to be a horrible review because there’s not enough here to actually review. The first 10 minutes feature two guys sitting in a bar (actually looks more like a basement) chatting. The camera is sitting on a tripod. There’s no other camera angles or close ups at all. The sound is really difficult to hear. After the long opening sequence, our hero joins up with his friend and two other women and they get into their RV and head out. On the way our hero flirts with one of the women and she proceeds to read an entire short story to him on camera.

We are treated to what feels like 10 to 15 minutes of watching the RV drive down various roads. There’s also a piece of black tape on the camera lens that is on there for a good bulk of the movie. How did the filmmakers not notice this? Our happy foursome finally end up stranded in the woods and are confronted by some civil war ghosts. Cut to 10 to 15 minutes of stock war footage. Finally, after that “Night of Horror”, the group reunite some old bones or something and head home.

There you go. Worst movie ever made because nothing happens for the full running time. It took me several tries to stay awake through the entire thing. But I did finally manage it. Still, I don’t regret seeing it. Since I do consider it the worst movie ever made there is something to say for actually seeing it. Watch at your own risk!

–Nathan Johnson

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Horror Movies So Bad They’re Great: “Savage Vengeance” (1993)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

I have talked about this film a little in the past, it’s a film that, after a few viewings, easily becomes SO bad it’s good. Savage Vengeance is the best of bad film making. You know you’re in for a fun ride when the opening title spells the name of the film wrong…

Savage Vengeance plays as a sequel/quasi remake (rip off) to Meir Zarchi’s seminal classic I Spit On Your Grave. Jennifer was raped 5 years ago and cleared of murder upon taking her revenge. 5 years later Jennifer and a friend skip school for a remote cabin in the woods and are subsequently raped, her friend killed, and mutilated by two local hicks. Jennifer once again takes it upon her to exact revenge…

Oh, boy…where to start? This movie is simply so terrible….This film runs for a scant 66 minutes and it is an hour of sheer awfulness. Savage Vengeance is shot on video, with consistently awful camera work, lighting, acting and music throughout…

Although she’s appearing under a false name, let me reassure you folks, the star of this film is indeed Camille Keaton and she manages to ham it up as much, if not more, as her cast mates. She is a great actress indeed…just not here. One just gets feeling the poor woman doesn’t want to be there, everything, from her stilted dialogue to her bad crop of dyed red hair seems off…

A BAD synthesizer score that NEVER relents makes the movie’s brief stay seem much longer, dead bodies move, characters never change their outfits despite the film taking place over 3 days, near fatal wounds vanish in between scenes…I could go on and on about how many faults this film has, it’s the worst kind of bad film making and yet…I DO love this film. I don’t know why when the filmmakers can’t even spell their own title right, but to me this film is like a drug, I just want to watch it more and more…Savage Vengeance is truly a wonder to behold for bad film making. I implore any fan I Spit, Camille Keaton or just a sucker for bad movies like myself to seek it out!!

–Reece Glen Donnell

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College Slashers We Love: “Happy Birthday to Me” (1981)

Slasher Studios*College Slashers

“Happy Birthday to me” 1981. A college horror related film I love.
{A birthday cake that you’d kill to eat} !!!

The first thing that comes in my mind when I think of Happy Birthday to me, is the first scene where a girl is being killed on her way to a pub where her college friends waiting for her. I was a very young boy when I first saw this film and since then it’s on my top 10 list of horror films.

Virginia Wainwright is not a typical girl of her age. She lost her mother in an accident and lives in a very luxury house with her wealthy father since then. She and her friends do all the crazy stuff that college boys and girls do but what they don’t know is that there is a killer on the loose. As the plot of the film is in process we become aware of some details from Virginia’s past and the impact of her mother’s death on her. Meanwhile, one by one all of her friends start disappearing without leaving a trace. Virginia starts feeling that there is a connection between her and her friends disappearances because her mind plays mysterious and malice games. She and her psychiatrist try to find the missing parts of her past in order to understand not only what is going on with her but if there is any league to her friends deaths as well.

A strange and unusual 80’s flick that doesn’t use the typical recipe of a horror film. What we have here is a very strong script with very interesting twists. The acting is rather good even though Melissa sue Anderson (Virginia) overdone it sometimes. I won’t be a spoiler for those who haven’t seen it yet, but the ending is very interesting and different from what we’re used of. So, enjoy 1:45 minutes of absolute suspense.

–Panos Tsiros

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Silent Night Deadly Night 2” (1987)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

After reading Justin McKinney’s review of Crazy Fat Ethel 2 (nicely done) this film came to mind and I thought I’d put my thoughts here about this film.

First off a premise concerning the little brother Ricky continuing his brothers killing spree is not a bad idea, I could even say that the idea of having a flashback sequence through the eyes of Ricky is also an interesting idea, but to have the whole film be a flashback film ith maybe 20 minutes of new footage is abysmal. I had the Double Features version by Anchor Bay, but it was stolen, it had an interesting commentary by the director who says he didn’t want to just re-edit the first film and sell it as a sequel, but didn’t have the funds to make a new movie and that he even tried to contact Eric Freeman to participate with him on the commentary but he is nowhere to be found (curious).

This film is nothing more than a long setup for the 3rd film(which I haven’t seen)as what happens on GARBAGE DAY, lol I had too, results in the plot for the next film. The acting is atrocious and laughable, the gore and FX are just god awful and there really is no point in this film except for that line I said above and the commentary track.

The first film was nothing special as it had its own share of problems, but it had a coherent story and knew what it wanted, it gave us enough time to care for the guy and it suked to see him become so evil, in this film we know very little about Ricky and considering he was absent through most of the first film and was a baby at the start he really didn’t have much bad exposure, so him becoming nuts is just crazy in itself.

If you find this film try to get the Anchor Bay Double Feature, as the commentary is only on that and we do get the uncut first film with many features on both.

–Eric Curto

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Halloween: Resurrection” (2002)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Halloween: Resurrection is a film that, to be brutal should never have been made. It was made for one reason, and one reason only: the almighty dollar. It boasts such “stars” as Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks, Thomas Ian Nicholas and Sean Patrick Thomas. Poor Jamie Lee Curtis, who Dimension had under contract, is given a wicked mess of a cameo in her final appearance as Laurie Strode.

After an utterly ridiculous attempt at undoing H20’s perfect ending (a retcon so stupid it must be seen to be believed), we find Laurie Strode locked away for the murder of an innocent man (who, so obviously, was not who she killed at the end of H20). She knows Michael is coming back for her, and she is “ready.” After a painfully contrived scene in which Michael and Laurie have one final catfight, we move on to the real “story” of Resurrection: A bunch of idiotic, hollow, stereotyped college students are chosen to do a webcast in the home of Michael Myers! (This notion is rather laughable, particularly considering that Myers is still, by all logic, on the loose!) Under the supervision of Freddie (Rhymes) and Nora (Banks), the students, led by the painfully “good” Sara (Bianca Kajlich), agree to be locked in the house on Halloween night!

Of course, you know what’s going to happen, you know who is going to survive, and you know there’s going to be an obligatory close-up on Banks’ rear during a supposed “horror” scene. Sadly, no merit comes out of the film. The mask looks like an ape, the actors are horribly boring, and Busta Rhymes is annoying to boot. Particularly laughable scenes involve a by-knife decapitation, Tyra Banks making a cappuccino, and Busta Rhymes literally putting Michael in check. Oh, yeah, and this ridiculous notion that he eats live rats and sleeps in an underground tunnel next to a picture of Laurie. The film comes to a “climax” (very randomly) after the deaths of two lead characters… and three are killed off within three or four minutes, just for the sake of isolating the “heroine.” Best of all, she is literally getting clues via email from a viewer who is crushing on her, whose subplot is particularly dumb. After several one-liners, Busta saves the day… spouts off another groan-inducing spiel (he does this several times in the film)… and alas, a lame sequel setup follows.

My first, and biggest, issue with this film. If you’re going to retcon a truly satisfying ending, why follow it up with utter dreck? Jamie Lee Curtis not only phones it in, but she seems to intentionally ham the performance up. (She dislikes this film, in particular, by the way) Her resourceful, determined heroine is dispatched with utter stupidity- having to see if it really is Michael she is about to kill. “Hmm… let’s see… you just tried to kill me… but if you’re not my brother, I’ll just let ya go.” DUMB.

The story that makes up the bulk of the film is laughable at best. First off, there is no plot here whatsoever. Yes, the original was very light in the plot department, but it more than made up for it with its style, it’s fun characters, and it’s slow, suspenseful lead-up to a fantastic finale. This movie… there is no sense of progression whatsoever. These teens are “selected,” three are random… three others are best friends… a little convenient, I might say. One is a bimbo, another is obsessed with food, two are sex-obsessed morons, another is an arrogant, bitchy “smart girl,” and the last is an intensely boring, dull stereotype “heroine.” Busta Rhymes is utterly grating as selfish-prick Freddie, whose sole purpose is to make money… Tyra Banks has a total of about six or seven minutes screen time, and does literally nothing but make a cappuccino with a camera on her ass… and as Sara, Bianca Kajlich (now, this could be chalked up to a bad script) is dull and unintriguing. The remaining cast is not worth mentioning… at all. The “Blair Witch Online” approach is asinine, and serves only to give us moments of shaky-cam. The “style” of the film reeks of direct-to-video, and tries to emulate the original’s “moody blue” atmosphere. However, everyone just looks like a dark smurf, and the “finale” is overlong, boring, and capped off by two laughable bits: The obligatory “This is for her, and him, and all of them, you bastard!” chainsaw attack (which itself is hilariously cut short with an “Oh, shit.”)… and a karate-chopping, ball-zapping, one-liner-spouting Busta Rhymes. He manages to deliver three cheesy one-liners in this scene… in addition to countless others before… and one or two more after.

With bad direction, no plot, horrendous characters, an awful opening, and a truly laughable set-up and premise… and the fact that the film takes itself way too seriously despite this, Halloween: Resurrection is a steaming pile of excrement.

–Joshua Dean

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