Good Premise, Bad Execution: “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane” (2006)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Let’s see…worst horror film…worst horror film…I could just post every horror film that appeared on MST3K (Werewolf being my personal favorite of the bunch), or anything from The Asylum, but that’s too easy. There are a lot of bad horror movies out there, but most of them are made by people who shouldn’t be behind or in front of the camera in the first place. Therefore, the worst horror films for me are the ones where there’s some obvious talent involved, but it’s completely wasted. With that in mind, my worst horror movie choice (always subject to change) is All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. My review:

When I finally got to check out the long-delayed (and still not available in the US) film All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, I thought maybe what I would get is a cool little horror film that I could enjoy from time to time. Considering all the hype surrounding it, I knew it wouldn’t be this decade’s “horror savior”, but I thought it could be pretty good.

Simply put, it’s not. Coming from someone who has really enjoyed some of the horror films put out since 2000, I thought this one was bad. REALLY bad. Let me break this one down a bit for ya:

The premise is good. No argument there. The idea of getting a bunch of guys together on a ranch with the girl they are ALL after could have made for some seriously good horror cinema. The problem is…nothing is done with it. All the guys trying to get with Mandy Lane are dumb as shit, and aside from talking about how they want to get with her, and occasionally flirting with her, nobody really does anything. The title of the film probably should have been “All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, But It’s Not That Big Of A Deal”. Maybe that was the point, but I don’t think so.

Moving on to the actual characters, they all are pretty bad, even Mandy Lane. I read in a review that the characters are more like real teens than the teens you seen in most horror movies. To this I say: Really? I mean, at this point we are used to the typical teenage characters, but aside from the black guy (who, for once in these movies, doesn’t act like a complete stereotype), these guys were as bland as slasher movie characters get, and cliche to boot. There’s the virgin (Mandy Lane, if you haven’t guessed), the jocks, the stoner guy (who thankfully isn’t as over-the-top as most characters of that kind), the bitches, and one guy who is there but really doesn’t have anything to do. For a film that’s supposed to be above average, it sure sunk to below average in terms of characters.

And was this a slasher film? I really couldn’t tell. People get stabbed and cut, sure, but for the most part people just got shot by the killer. I’m sorry, but using a shotgun in a SLASHER film doesn’t cut it. The suspense in a slasher film comes from the fact that the killer needs to physically get to you. When the killer can just blast you from a few feet away, suspense is the only thing that really gets killed.

Speaking of kills, there’s nothing really spectacular in this film. Spoiler: a girl getting a shotgun shoved through her head was probably the highlight. Sadly, it was also the first kill in the movie. I was thinking as I watched this that, if all else failed, I’d at least have some cool kills that I could talk about, but again, most of the people get shot in this film, so that’s already out.

What about the music and the look of the film? Well, if mostly shitty pop/rock songs and a look that’s been done better in a lot of other films is your thing, then you’d probably dig them. I didn’t, though. There was a bit of score music that I thought was good, but it was so underused that it didn’t really matter. They also went for a gritty, desaturated look, which works well in some horror films, but unfortunately in this film it made every shot look like it was from a video for a depressing country song.

So yeah, waste of a good idea, bad characters, no suspense, no good kills. Am I missing anything? Oh yeah, how about the ending? I mean, if the film ends pretty well, at least you’ve got that, right?

Wrong.

First off, we find out who the killer is about half way through the film. It just so happens to be Mandy Lane’s best friend, who she allegedly stopped being friends with after a freak pool accident near the beginning of the film. So yeah, I’ve already got problems with that. But this film isn’t done yet. Oh no. As the film nears the end, we come to find out that Mandy Lane is a psychotic bitch who is in love with the best friend now. So yeah, this film just went Natural Born Killers on us out of nowhere. But wait! There’s more! After all the stupid characters are dead, and our crazy-go-nuts lovers are about to off themselves, she turns on the best friend (like I said, she’s a psychotic bitch) and won’t kill herself. Then, he’s about to kill her, when a throwaway character from earlier in the film shoots the best friend (you just have to see it). The best friend isn’t dead, though, and goes Voorhees on said throwaway character with a machete (the character doesn’t die, though…um, what?). Mandy Lane goes running off, but falls into a pit with cow corpses in it. (There was a story about killing cows earlier in the film. I guess they thought they should throw in what happened to the bodies…whatever..) The best friend finds her, they yell and fight with each other in the corpse pit, then the best friend’s machete gets lodged in a piece of wood that she was going to hit him with, so she kills him with that (again, you just have to see it). Then Ms. Mandy Lane walks back to the throwaway character (who is unaware of her involvement in the murders for some reason), puts him into a Jeep, and they drive off. Roll some earlier footage of all the teens being happy, and a shot of innocent Mandy Lane that turns red. Cut to credits.

Excuse me while I borrow your barf bag.

So yeah, the ending was definitely the shit icing on the crap cake that was All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. I’m sure there are other, more incompetent films out there that would make better candidates for “Worst Horror Film”, but this one actually had the potential to be good, and that’s a lot more aggravating to me.

–Ryan Bozell

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “The Last Slumber Party” (1987)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Where do I begin? How do I categorize a “film” that is from an entirely different planet? It’s a horror movie that’s not horrifying in the slightest. It’s a slumber party flick that is unlike any slumber party I’ve ever attended. It’s hilarious and cringe-worthy at the same time. It makes absolutely no sense but I TOTALLY get it. It’s the ugliest looking movie I’ve ever seen, yet I think it’s an art masterpiece. It was the first movie of its kind and there will never be another movie like it. The Last Slumber Party is my #1 favorite so-bad-it’s-good movie!

It only runs 71 minutes, but I can honestly tell you that if it was 8 hours long I would never get bored. I’m not going to tell you the plot because it’s irrelevant. What makes LSP so bad? The production values are extremely low and crappy. Not only were the worst possible cameras used, but the quality of the film (and video) varies drastically throughout. One minute the picture quality looks like crap, and the next minute it looks like a piece of crap took a shit. The entire movie feels like a bad student film, and it probably is. The actors playing high school students look like they graduated from high school 15 years before. And you can forget about any believable special effects; you can see the blood squirting out of the fake knife.

So what makes LSP so great? Well the acting is horrible, but I find it endearing and hilarious! We’ve all seen bad acting, but you’ll be shocked and amazed at just how bad it really is. Don’t worry, there are plenty of drug-induced flat deliveries of lines and blank stares at the camera to go around. This movie is filled with plenty of stinky cheese to invade your nostrils! And who can turn that down? LSP also has some of the best one-liners from any movie, ever. “Because he’s so fucking good looking, that’s why!” “I was getting tired of booze anyway. Let’s get high!” “El Creepo seems to have vanished into thin air.” “What is this, stereo telephones?” “God I need a fucking valium!” “Oh Linda, don’t be so QUEER!” And one of my favorite things is how they reuse the SAME shot of the killer walking towards the camera with knife in hand throughout the entire movie! Talk about getting more bang for your buck. And make sure to look out for “final girl” Chris. She is one of the most entertaining characters I have ever seen in a movie, even if she does look like she did a little too much nose candy.

If you like hilariously bad movies, actors making asses of themselves on screen, psycho killers in scrubs, homophobia, nightmares within nightmares, and getting high because you got tired of booze, I recommend that you watch The Last Slumber Party. It’ll blow your mind. It’ll turn your world upside-down! And let me remind you: while you watch LSP, “don’t whack it too hard. You can get hair on your palms if you do it too much!”

–Jeffrey Lee

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Monster A Go Go” Review

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

When I think of the worst horror films ever made, my mind often goes back to my favorite tv series of all-time, the late great Mystery Science Theater 3000. Over its eleven season run MST3K unearthed some staggering low-budget “horror” clunkers, but one has always reigned supreme in my mind as the worst horror movie of all time. The movie, 1965’s Monster a-Go Go.

Here’s the plot, or what of it I can figure out. Somewhere in the dingy, bleak country side of southern Illinois a NASA spacecraft has crash-landed. The spacecraft, resembling a metallic dunce hat of normal size, is recovered by NASA’s team of two men, who suddenly end up dead. As the dull voice over narrator tells us “they were horribly mutilated in a way no one had ever seen before.” Well, no one continues to ever see those ‘horrible’ mutilations as they aren’t shown on screen. Very little is ever shown on screen, including the “monster” itself, which is a bumbling bald man with bad skin. The tale staggers on through drawn-out scenes of men in suits droning on, drugged scientists puddering around, and ‘hip’ teenagers dancing to the finest of 50’s canned swing-music. At some point, the movie ends with a whimper, as it attempts a Twilight Zone-type “irony” ending that irritates far more than mystifies.

Monster a-Go Go is amazingly awful. It is the definition of a celluloid train wreck. Unfortunately, instead of being amusingly bad, it’s just bad-bad. Story-wise the movie is utterly incoherent, as we’re almost always left in the dark about what is happening. Characters appear and vanish from the movie without explanation. Any attempts at “scares” or thrills just fall dead-flat. There’s zero direction, as the camera sits static rolling on scenes of lumbering actors. The editing is thoughtless and often feels non-existent. Perhaps the cheapness of the movie is best demonstrated by one brief moment. It is the most entertaining moment in the movie, but it’s completely unintentional. One shot in the movie features an unknown individual answering a telephone. However, instead of hearing the sound of a phone ringing, we merely hear someone off-camera cueing the actor with a very fake self-made phone-type sound. *SEE CLIP BELOW*

I’ve always said that the worst thing a film can do is bore its audience, and that’s what Monster a-Go Go does in mass quantities. I find it amazing that even in the drive-in circuits of ’65 that this movie ever found any distribution. On a final note, this movie currently ranks #4 on IMDB’s bottom 100 Films. I find myself wondering why it didn’t make #1, but I don’t think I want to find out why.

–Alex Dillard

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Tim’s Slasher Tweet Reviews: “Leprechaun 3” (1995)

Slasher Studios*Slasher Tweet Review

Our resident twitter reviewer Tim Schilling is back with the luck of the Irish with a brand new tweet by tweet review for “Leprechaun 3.” Many fans have called this one the best of the entire series but, looking at the series as a whole, that might not be enough to save it. This time the leprechaun is in Vegas. Does he get lucky? And does Tim get lucky with this movie?

Thoughts before the film:
Really gonna try to finish this series up as fast as possible…

Thoughts while watching:
0:02 Vegas baby.
0:04 I won’t question how the leprechaun turned into stone since the last movie.
0:08 That was a total lie. This girl has blown plenty of rods.
0:09 This damn leprechaun is ALWAYS one shilling short.
0:22 I wonder what it means to be 20 pounds younger.
0:25 This leprechaun is obviously a Jedi.
0:28 I don’t get it, how could someone be so stupid that they would bet 23k on their first time at the casino?
0:38 The leprechaun is best friends with Elvis.
0:56 Do leprechauns really like potatoes this much?
1:04 She looked better before she wished to look sexy…
1:08 Big booty bitches. That’s something they should say in the In Da Hood movies.
1:12 For pulling this trick, I’ll chop off your dick!
1:14 I highly doubt anything those doctors just was was correct.
1:21 It saddens me when the leprechaun doesn’t rhyme.
1:26 I gotta say, that death scene was pretty nasty. And not the good nasty.
1:28 Hey stunt wires I see you.

Overall:
I feel the same about #Leprechaun3 as I do the others in the series. A lot of fun to watch, but there’s nothing really special about them

To follow Tim on twitter: https://twitter.com/schillingt
To follow Slasher Studios on twitter: https://twitter.com/slasherstudios

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Crazy Fat Ethel II” (1987)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

So you made a film fifteen years ago that was so bad it developed a small cult following and now you want to make a sequel but don’t have any money: What do you do? If you are Nick Millard, you purchase a few blank VHS tapes, fire up the trusty camcorder, track down the star of the original film and use tons of the old footage to pad out the running time. Now I don’t mind the random flashback used here and there, but when at least half (maybe as much as three-fourths!) of the run time consists of recycled scenes, then I *do* have a problem. Combine with some of the worst acting ever, next to no blood, “humor” that most 7-year-olds would find too juvenile, sound so shoddy it’s often impossible to hear the dialogue and an unsturdy camera that constantly zooms in and out on the killer’s face as a lazy “flashback” cue and you pretty much have the abomination that is “Crazy Fat Ethel II.”

After being locked up for slaughtering six people, Ethel Janowski (Priscilla Alden) is set free because of budgetary cuts (uh huh) and goes to live in a halfway house. There, she glares at everyone, eats, sleeps, laughs maniacally and meets a few of the nutjobs sharing space with her. One guy murdered his wife for trying to poison him and another nutter thinks he’s an insect and likes to capture flies to put in his soup. Limited meals start to wear on Crazy Fat Ethel and her refusal to take her meds finally sends her over the edge. An orderly who serves the patients dog food and eats a Three Musketeers bar in front of Ethel gets hung. A detective shows up to ask questions and just leaves because Ethel has a foolproof alibi (she was watching an episode of “Gunsmoke” alone in her room). A guy who saw the murder demands Ethel give him her pudding for an entire month. Instead, she stabs him in the back with four different knives and just leave his dead body lying in the kitchen floor. The cop shows up again, says “I might as well set up shop right here!” and leaves without questioning anyone or making any arrests. Idiotic? Yep. Funny? Never.

After bashing the halfway house owner over the head with a candle stick for taking away her pretzels and stabbing a doctor in the back after chasing him around the sofa, Ethel goes outside and dances around for several minutes with a bloody knife. There are many close-ups of feet and legs for some reason. The bloodiest scenes are all stolen from the original and every single second of the new footage is awful, moronic and incredibly boring. Many of the unbroken takes are gruelingly long, including a shot of Ethel eating a pudding cup that lasts for several minutes. Priscilla Alden was funny in the first film (“Criminally Insane”), but is given little to do here and her dialogue truly sucks. This thing was so cheaply spit out that instead of making new credits, they just reused the old ones from the original, nevermind the fact that no one from the original appears in this sequel other than the leading lady. This is one of the only movies I’ve ever seen that doesn’t have a single redeeming quality.

People these days too freely use the phrase “Worst Movie Ever!” to describe disappointing or merely bad films. Those people clearly have not seen “Crazy Fat Ethell II,” for if they did, they’d know the true meaning of the “worst.”

–Justin McKinney

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Horror Movies That Should Have Been Better: “Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning” (2004)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Let me tell you first that I’m not the biggest fan of the Werewolf genre, there have been a handful of films I can say that were good and didn’t also involve vampires, I mean how many stories can you tell about a creature that only transforms on a full moon night? So I was surprised when I found myself loving the first two films in this series, the first film was a metaphor for becoming an adult(yes I know it was more specifically for how a woman becomes an adult, but I’m a guy)and the 2nd film seem to deal with how one deals with their new station in life, the ending for the 2nd film was amazing and left you wanting more, as Bridgette no longer can keep from transforming and Ghost who is even more depraved than the psycho’s that were committed keeping her as a pet.

The third film does none of this, it doesn’t capitalize on the 2nd films story and it restarts everything as a prequel. Now keep in mind I’ve only seen this film once and it as a while, so they’ll be no spoiling as I can only remember how bad it all was and therefore cared nothing for remembering plot points.

The saddest thing with this film is that Katherine Isabelle (whose character died in the first, so they had to find a way to keep her in the films) and Emily Perkins (who has been the real star of these films) were a bore, the chemistry felt between the two doesn’t seem to be there, although the characters are different they are supposed to be the sister ancestors of the original sister and should have a little similarity in the way the two connect. The writers could have done an “origin” tale of the werewolf that bit Ginger, but instead they just wanted to keep them in the film somehow. In my opinion the other story would have been more interesting.

Aside from the main actors the other actors are equally as bad, nothing even worth remembering from them. I remember when I watched this film, I found myself wondering how the hell this was greenlit? Was this there idea of making a TV Series? Were they under some three picture contract and had no continuing film to make? I heard the makers want to make a TV series centering on Ghost and Bridgette being locked up, I hope if they do they take this out of continuity.

I would not recommend this, if you happen to get it I hope its part of a collection, cause it isn’t worth your money.

–Eric Curto

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Horror Movies That Should Have Been Better: “Soul Survivors” (2001)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Not the worst movie ever, but it is still pretty damn bad is the 2001 film Soul Survivors.

The film tells the story of four friends: Cassie (Melissa Sagemiller), Sean (Casey Affleck), Annabelle (Eliza Dushku), and Matt (Wes Bentley), who after a night of partying end up getting in a car crash, Cassie’s boyfriend Sean ending up the only one dead. As time goes by, Cassie begins to struggle with Sean’s death, turning to her friends to help her cope. But when her friends begin acting strangely, and mysterious people begin turning up in their lives, Cassie’s only hope is in the hands of young priest (Luke Wilson), to help overcome the evil that’s transpiring.

The sad thing about Soul Survivors is that it had SO much potential. It had a decent premise, and a solid cast. But in the end the film ended up being a huge fricken mess. Many things were thrown into the plot that serve no purpose at all, the opening sequence being one of them. It seems like in every single scene there something thrown at us that make us want to scratch our heads thinking, “where the hell did that come from”? Although the twist tries to tie all of it up, it pretty much fails. Another thing is that by the end when the twist is starting to be revealed, the movie suffers from one too many fast takes to where it confuses the hell out of the viewer. Then finally when the twist is revealed you think, really, that’s it?

In what could have been a pretty good film, Soul Survivors suffers from being too fast paced, too much stacked on to it, all while being topped with an ending that was more than likely used as nice “surprise” but ultimately leaves the person puzzled, and only right after being revealed, the movie ends. I hate when this happens, when a movie has so much potential, but falls flat on it’s face. Granted we have a good cast who did a good job in it, but I personally felt they got screwed over with not being given more to work with.

–Cody Landman

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Tim’s Slasher Tweet Reviews: “The Broken” (1998)

Slasher Studios*Slasher Tweet Review

Our resident twitter reviewer Tim Schilling has been loving the After Dark Horror Collection so far with at least fairly positive reviews for Slaughter, The Hamiltons, and Autopsy. Today Tim is taking a stab at The Broken, a psychological horror movie that received solid reviews from critics but less than favorite marks from critics. Let’s dig into this tweet by tweet review to see which side of the horror fence he lands up on.

Thoughts before the film:
Not too sure what #TheBroken is even about. But I gotta watch it!

Thoughts while watching:
0:11 The Broken… Mirror.
0:14 This movie should be called The Broken Mirrors cause that’s all that has happened so far.
0:30 The Boring.
0:38 Along with showing about 5 mirrors break, they have showed the SAME car crash about 5 times now to
0:50 Something happen already.
1:05 How was this movie part of the After Dark Horrorfest? Besides that one scene with way too much blood, this is a drama.
1:20 This movie is almost over and basically nothing has happened. This tweet review is gonna be lame.
1:24 I guess the twist ending was kinda smart for the movie, but it doesn’t make up for the rest of it.

Overall:
#TheBroken is the first movie from After Dark Horrorfest that I didn’t care for. The film was shot great, but the story was painfully boring

To follow Tim on twitter: https://twitter.com/schillingt
To follow Slasher Studios on twitter: https://twitter.com/slasherstudios

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Horror Movies So Bad They’re Great: “Splatter University” (1984)

Slasher Studios*College Slashers

Splatter University (1984) is a no budget 1980’s slasher schlock-fest with some of the most unforgivable acting and special effects that I’ve ever seen, and it’s one of my favorite so-bad-it’s-good horror flicks! A mental patient (we don’t see who it is) kills a staff member and escapes from the loony bin. Three years later a female professor is brutally killed at a Catholic University. The next semester yesterday (yes, that’s what the caption says), there’s a new professor on campus, Julie (Francine Forbes, known now as Forbes Riley), who the movie centers around. Also featured are Julie’s professor boyfriend, the dean of the university, and a pack of asshole students who all scream for a brick to be thrown at their faces.

This college-themed slasher never takes itself too seriously with a subtle sense of humor, but plays it straight with the slashing! Splatter U is filled with POV shots, red herrings, inventive deaths (watch for the bloodless knife-down-the-throat kill), sex-crazed college students, religious undertones, and some of the most outrageous 80’s fashions, all rounded out with an enjoyably cheesy keyboard synth score. 99% of the acting is god-awful, but credit should be given to Francine Forbes who, in my opinion, does a great job playing the protagonist. Her acting may be amateurish but her character is believable and very likeable. Forbes makes it a lot easier to enjoy this movie and her talent really holds the story together among a sea of lifeless, gag-inducing actors. The gore effects may be cheap looking, but the red stuff flows like rivers!

I’ve chatted with the Director Richard W. Haines (also directed Class of Nuke ‘Em High) here on Facebook quite a few times. He has recently deleted his account, but he told me in lengthy detail about the production of Splatter University. He said the original film was only about 60 minutes and mostly featured Francine Forbes, but the studio wanted the film to be longer. So after the initial filming was through, Haines went back and shot a lot more scenes which consisted of all the extremely cheesy scenes with the asshole students, extending the film to 78 minutes. Haines told me that he has intentions of releasing this slasher on blu-ray, and including the original 60 minute version as an extra feature. That version would probably end up being a lot less cheesy that the version we’ve all seen and grown to love.

Splatter U isn’t a good movie by any means, but it’s hokey, fun and hilarious! It has a surprisingly interesting story and an unexpected ending quite different from most slashers. And don’t forget class, at Splatter U the only requirement is SURVIVAL!

–Jeffrey Lee

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College Slashers We LOVE: “Black Christmas” (1974)

Slasher Studios*College Slashers

Christmas has come to the small college town of Bedford, but instead of joy the season brings a horrific surprise, in the form of a warpped psychopath who’s murdered a teenage girl. The elusive lunatic is now squatting in the dusty attic of a local college sorority house, waiting to be set-off again. For the thinning group of sorority sisters left in the house, it will be a nightmare as they’re plagued by ominous phone calls and the disappearence of one of their own, all the while oblivious to the deadly threat that lurks within their home. A threat that is creeping closer with every passing minute.

Bob Clark’s Black Christmas is a tour de force of a horror film! It’s a film that has rode low under the radar since its release in 1974, but in previous years has been re-discovered by the horror community and finally hailed and praised for the brilliant masterpiece that it is. For me, words never quite do justice to this film. Black Christmas strikes such a deep chord that it almost must be viewed to understand its unsettling impact. It is the perfect film to terrify one’s self with in the late night, with the phone unplugged of course! On every level Black Christmas is a finely-crafted film. Story-wise it is an engrossing ride through extreme emotion. Clark weaves into this plot such moments of profound eeriness, moments of sharp comic relief, and ultimately a climax that so utterly intense you may find yourself sweating. This is all capped off with a conclusion that is the perfect final note to this disturbing tale. Clark’s direction is top-notch, as we are given fantastic cinematography, particularly in lurking point-of-view shots from our murderous villain. The cast is excellent, featuring such notable stars as Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, John Saxon, and Margot Kidder, all of whom deliever fine performances. Even the supporting cast, which sports such memorable Canadian actors as Art Hindle, Mariam Waldman, Andrea Martin, and Douglas MacGrath, are good here. One element that truly brings out the haunting, dark atmosphere of this film is the music score by Carl Zittrer. Zittrer’s music here is best described as simply “deranged” as the composer perfectly captures the menace and chill of this tale. All of these factors combine to make a film that is simply one of the genre’s best. Its influence can be felt in such slasher classics as Carpenter’s Halloween (1978), Walton’s When a Stranger Calls (1979), and Cunningham’s Friday the 13th (1980). So, needless to say, Black Christmas is one of the true milestones of the slasher subgenre.

Enough with analysis, Black Christmas is a MUST for horror fans. See it, in the dark. And remember “if this picture doesn’t make your skin crawl… it’s on TOO TIGHT!”

–Alex Dillard

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