Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Children of the Living Dead” (2001)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Let me just say I thought it was an interesting experiment what Russo did with the 30th Anniversary Edition of the film he co-wrote with George Romero(for those who don’t know he co-wrote Night of the Living Dead and went on to the produce the first Return of the Living Dead, when he and Romero split ways), but taking out footage and adding into the film it allowed for him to show his own version that he can really call his own, was it successful, well not always, it is nice that he got the original cemetery zombie actor back, but being 30 years later you can tell he has aged and a lot of the scenes really make no sense, in my opinion he could have filmed scenes featuring some of what we hear the people talk about and find a way around showing them directly, but that is another review, this is for the film that came after it, which is much much worse.

I had heard about this film for quite a while and after getting the 30th Anniversary Edition(as well as the Millennium Edition)of the original film, I thought I’d at least find out what all the hate was about, I mean the film is so bad the director apologized for making it. What I found was that this film is just a disaster from start to finish, the make up FX on the zombies was terrible and looked like it was done by film students, the acting was horrendous, making you wonder if they were just plucked from the street and not even given lessons, the pacing of the film is the slowest, I mean its not even that long of a film, but it feels longer than Wes Craven’s New Nightmare’s credit sequence.

Tom Savini is put down as a star and while he is in this film, I’d say he is more of a nostalgia cameo, like in Land of the Dead(however that continued his character from Dawn of the Dead, this was new). The box cover says, “From the Executive Producer of A Nightmare on Elm Street” and while this is referring to Joseph Wolf (upon further looking he did work on Halloween 2 and 3),saying that doesn’t mean it’ll be good, it just means they got someone who was on a better film.

The other thing is what does this have to do with the previous film? I mean putting down “Living Dead” doesn’t make it a sequel, I mean if it did we have 5 films in the “Return” series, we have a film called “Flight of the Living Dead” and so on. Before you mention the Romero franchise, there is a common thread in those films, the zombie evolve in each film and in each film we get just a peek more of the reality of their evolution, this has none of that. Like I said before the acting is just horrible, the cinematography felt like it was done by a used camera from a library, a lot of night scenes making it hard to even see the characters, now I know in some films that’s useful to create suspense, but too much of anything is bad and its bad here.

I just don’t know anything good to say abut the film, its not worth owning and seeing as its not part of a collection, I don’t see a reason to even own it. You’d be happier doing what Ash does in Evil Dead II and sawing your hand off and letting it give the finger to it.

–Eric Curto

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Bad 90’s Horror Movies: “Wes Craven Presents Wishmaster” (1997)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

The movie tells the story of an ancient Djinn which is trapped inside a red diamond and waits for somabody to unleash its power. The movie begins with a narration of the back story of the Djinn and says that the one who wakes a Djinn shall be given three wishes. Upon the granting of the third, the unholy legions of the Djinn shall be freed to rule the earth. Fear one thing in all there is…fear the Djinn.

Then the scene tales place in America where a wooden crate falls and breaks by accident. A worker finds the diamond and keeps it only to find out the wicked results of posessing it. The truth is that we are talking about a very bad movie here but very pleasnt to watch. There are some very interesting cameos in the movie such as Robert Englund who was Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street series, played an antique collector and Kane Hodder, who played Jason Voorhees in the Friday the 13th series, played a security guard. Also in the film were Tony Todd from Candyman, Ted Raimi from Darkman, Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness, Ricco Ross from Aliens, Joseph Pilato from Day of the Dead, Reggie Bannister and the voice of Angus Scrimm (both of the Phantasm films), Jenny O’Hara from the later Devil, Jack Lemmon’s son Chris Lemmon from Just Before Dawn and George “Buck” Flower (who was often used in small parts in various horror-movies of the 1980s and early 1990s, often directed by John Carpenter). Verne Troyer of later Austin Powers fame appears as the smaller Wishmaster when he first escapes from his gem prison.

It is also interesting to note the appearance of a Pazuzu statue, a personification of the demonic figure which possessed Linda Blair’s character in the Exorcist series. This can be seen in Beaumont’s collection room and on display during the party scene where it attacks some of the guests, though it is never formally referenced. Wes Craven was one of the producers of this films. Anyway, every decent director has the right to astray once a while. So, are you ready to make a wish?

–Panos Tsiros

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Tim’s Slasher Tweet Reviews: “Leprechaun 4: In Space” (1997)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Our resident twitter reviewer Tim Schilling is back battling the evil leprechaun, this time in space!, with a brand new tweet by tweet review for “Leprechaun 4: In Space.” Campy, over-the-top, and with graphics that make SYFY look like Avatar, it seems to be just what the doctor ordered with this series. Nevertheless, does it get “too” goofy so that we now longer care? Let’s dig in and find out!

Thoughts before the film:
I’ve been looking forward to this movie since I started watching this series again. Also its the last 1 I own,& I dont like the series enough to buy the last 2. Even tho itll bother me that I dont own 2 of them. #Leprechaun4

Thoughts while watching:
0:01 Oh god these animations… Syfy does a better job.
0:03 ….what’s on this guy’s head.
0:06 I actually liked Jason X, so if this is at least similar to it, since it’s going in the future and all, I’ll be happy.
0:12 The leprechaun even has a light saber now. He is definitely a Jedi master.
0:15 I wanna know who’s idea it was to have someone get shocked by peeing on the leprechaun’s detached arm.
0:19 I won’t ask why there’s a night club on a space ship with ~20 people on it.
0:23 Why isn’t the leprechaun rhyming?
0:28 Katy Perry would definitely play the princess if they remake this movie.
0:32 The ship carries hazmat suits in size leprechaun?
0:36 I’d love to read the script to this movie. It must be absolutely ridiculous.
0:49 Did Shakespeare really say shit happens?
0:58 I can see where the prosthetics begin and it’s the only thing I can look at now on the captain.
1:08 Don’t be a drag just be a queen.
1:19 Bimbo from hell. You mean Princess Peach?
1:31 The leprechaun can’t be alive after this movie.

Overall:
#Leprechaun4 wasn’t as fun to watch as the others. I think I got sick of the obvious inconsistencies and just lazy filmmaking finally.

To follow Tim on twitter: https://twitter.com/schillingt
To follow Slasher Studios on twitter: https://twitter.com/slasherstudios

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Night of Horror” (1981)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

I see the term “worst horror movie ever” thrown around a lot online and I am usually shocked when I see the movies that are being referred to. Most of them I adore! Night of Horror is one that I can’t say I enjoyed. It commits the ultimate sin of being unbelievably boring.

The movie concerns a group of four adults heading out for a trip. They end up having some mysterious RV trouble and find themselves stranded in the middle of nowhere. Okay, there’s the plot. There’s really nothing else to the plot other than that. This is going to be a horrible review because there’s not enough here to actually review. The first 10 minutes feature two guys sitting in a bar (actually looks more like a basement) chatting. The camera is sitting on a tripod. There’s no other camera angles or close ups at all. The sound is really difficult to hear. After the long opening sequence, our hero joins up with his friend and two other women and they get into their RV and head out. On the way our hero flirts with one of the women and she proceeds to read an entire short story to him on camera.

We are treated to what feels like 10 to 15 minutes of watching the RV drive down various roads. There’s also a piece of black tape on the camera lens that is on there for a good bulk of the movie. How did the filmmakers not notice this? Our happy foursome finally end up stranded in the woods and are confronted by some civil war ghosts. Cut to 10 to 15 minutes of stock war footage. Finally, after that “Night of Horror”, the group reunite some old bones or something and head home.

There you go. Worst movie ever made because nothing happens for the full running time. It took me several tries to stay awake through the entire thing. But I did finally manage it. Still, I don’t regret seeing it. Since I do consider it the worst movie ever made there is something to say for actually seeing it. Watch at your own risk!

–Nathan Johnson

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Horror Movies So Bad They’re Great: “Savage Vengeance” (1993)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

I have talked about this film a little in the past, it’s a film that, after a few viewings, easily becomes SO bad it’s good. Savage Vengeance is the best of bad film making. You know you’re in for a fun ride when the opening title spells the name of the film wrong…

Savage Vengeance plays as a sequel/quasi remake (rip off) to Meir Zarchi’s seminal classic I Spit On Your Grave. Jennifer was raped 5 years ago and cleared of murder upon taking her revenge. 5 years later Jennifer and a friend skip school for a remote cabin in the woods and are subsequently raped, her friend killed, and mutilated by two local hicks. Jennifer once again takes it upon her to exact revenge…

Oh, boy…where to start? This movie is simply so terrible….This film runs for a scant 66 minutes and it is an hour of sheer awfulness. Savage Vengeance is shot on video, with consistently awful camera work, lighting, acting and music throughout…

Although she’s appearing under a false name, let me reassure you folks, the star of this film is indeed Camille Keaton and she manages to ham it up as much, if not more, as her cast mates. She is a great actress indeed…just not here. One just gets feeling the poor woman doesn’t want to be there, everything, from her stilted dialogue to her bad crop of dyed red hair seems off…

A BAD synthesizer score that NEVER relents makes the movie’s brief stay seem much longer, dead bodies move, characters never change their outfits despite the film taking place over 3 days, near fatal wounds vanish in between scenes…I could go on and on about how many faults this film has, it’s the worst kind of bad film making and yet…I DO love this film. I don’t know why when the filmmakers can’t even spell their own title right, but to me this film is like a drug, I just want to watch it more and more…Savage Vengeance is truly a wonder to behold for bad film making. I implore any fan I Spit, Camille Keaton or just a sucker for bad movies like myself to seek it out!!

–Reece Glen Donnell

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College Slashers We Love: “Happy Birthday to Me” (1981)

Slasher Studios*College Slashers

“Happy Birthday to me” 1981. A college horror related film I love.
{A birthday cake that you’d kill to eat} !!!

The first thing that comes in my mind when I think of Happy Birthday to me, is the first scene where a girl is being killed on her way to a pub where her college friends waiting for her. I was a very young boy when I first saw this film and since then it’s on my top 10 list of horror films.

Virginia Wainwright is not a typical girl of her age. She lost her mother in an accident and lives in a very luxury house with her wealthy father since then. She and her friends do all the crazy stuff that college boys and girls do but what they don’t know is that there is a killer on the loose. As the plot of the film is in process we become aware of some details from Virginia’s past and the impact of her mother’s death on her. Meanwhile, one by one all of her friends start disappearing without leaving a trace. Virginia starts feeling that there is a connection between her and her friends disappearances because her mind plays mysterious and malice games. She and her psychiatrist try to find the missing parts of her past in order to understand not only what is going on with her but if there is any league to her friends deaths as well.

A strange and unusual 80’s flick that doesn’t use the typical recipe of a horror film. What we have here is a very strong script with very interesting twists. The acting is rather good even though Melissa sue Anderson (Virginia) overdone it sometimes. I won’t be a spoiler for those who haven’t seen it yet, but the ending is very interesting and different from what we’re used of. So, enjoy 1:45 minutes of absolute suspense.

–Panos Tsiros

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Silent Night Deadly Night 2” (1987)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

After reading Justin McKinney’s review of Crazy Fat Ethel 2 (nicely done) this film came to mind and I thought I’d put my thoughts here about this film.

First off a premise concerning the little brother Ricky continuing his brothers killing spree is not a bad idea, I could even say that the idea of having a flashback sequence through the eyes of Ricky is also an interesting idea, but to have the whole film be a flashback film ith maybe 20 minutes of new footage is abysmal. I had the Double Features version by Anchor Bay, but it was stolen, it had an interesting commentary by the director who says he didn’t want to just re-edit the first film and sell it as a sequel, but didn’t have the funds to make a new movie and that he even tried to contact Eric Freeman to participate with him on the commentary but he is nowhere to be found (curious).

This film is nothing more than a long setup for the 3rd film(which I haven’t seen)as what happens on GARBAGE DAY, lol I had too, results in the plot for the next film. The acting is atrocious and laughable, the gore and FX are just god awful and there really is no point in this film except for that line I said above and the commentary track.

The first film was nothing special as it had its own share of problems, but it had a coherent story and knew what it wanted, it gave us enough time to care for the guy and it suked to see him become so evil, in this film we know very little about Ricky and considering he was absent through most of the first film and was a baby at the start he really didn’t have much bad exposure, so him becoming nuts is just crazy in itself.

If you find this film try to get the Anchor Bay Double Feature, as the commentary is only on that and we do get the uncut first film with many features on both.

–Eric Curto

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “Halloween: Resurrection” (2002)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Halloween: Resurrection is a film that, to be brutal should never have been made. It was made for one reason, and one reason only: the almighty dollar. It boasts such “stars” as Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks, Thomas Ian Nicholas and Sean Patrick Thomas. Poor Jamie Lee Curtis, who Dimension had under contract, is given a wicked mess of a cameo in her final appearance as Laurie Strode.

After an utterly ridiculous attempt at undoing H20’s perfect ending (a retcon so stupid it must be seen to be believed), we find Laurie Strode locked away for the murder of an innocent man (who, so obviously, was not who she killed at the end of H20). She knows Michael is coming back for her, and she is “ready.” After a painfully contrived scene in which Michael and Laurie have one final catfight, we move on to the real “story” of Resurrection: A bunch of idiotic, hollow, stereotyped college students are chosen to do a webcast in the home of Michael Myers! (This notion is rather laughable, particularly considering that Myers is still, by all logic, on the loose!) Under the supervision of Freddie (Rhymes) and Nora (Banks), the students, led by the painfully “good” Sara (Bianca Kajlich), agree to be locked in the house on Halloween night!

Of course, you know what’s going to happen, you know who is going to survive, and you know there’s going to be an obligatory close-up on Banks’ rear during a supposed “horror” scene. Sadly, no merit comes out of the film. The mask looks like an ape, the actors are horribly boring, and Busta Rhymes is annoying to boot. Particularly laughable scenes involve a by-knife decapitation, Tyra Banks making a cappuccino, and Busta Rhymes literally putting Michael in check. Oh, yeah, and this ridiculous notion that he eats live rats and sleeps in an underground tunnel next to a picture of Laurie. The film comes to a “climax” (very randomly) after the deaths of two lead characters… and three are killed off within three or four minutes, just for the sake of isolating the “heroine.” Best of all, she is literally getting clues via email from a viewer who is crushing on her, whose subplot is particularly dumb. After several one-liners, Busta saves the day… spouts off another groan-inducing spiel (he does this several times in the film)… and alas, a lame sequel setup follows.

My first, and biggest, issue with this film. If you’re going to retcon a truly satisfying ending, why follow it up with utter dreck? Jamie Lee Curtis not only phones it in, but she seems to intentionally ham the performance up. (She dislikes this film, in particular, by the way) Her resourceful, determined heroine is dispatched with utter stupidity- having to see if it really is Michael she is about to kill. “Hmm… let’s see… you just tried to kill me… but if you’re not my brother, I’ll just let ya go.” DUMB.

The story that makes up the bulk of the film is laughable at best. First off, there is no plot here whatsoever. Yes, the original was very light in the plot department, but it more than made up for it with its style, it’s fun characters, and it’s slow, suspenseful lead-up to a fantastic finale. This movie… there is no sense of progression whatsoever. These teens are “selected,” three are random… three others are best friends… a little convenient, I might say. One is a bimbo, another is obsessed with food, two are sex-obsessed morons, another is an arrogant, bitchy “smart girl,” and the last is an intensely boring, dull stereotype “heroine.” Busta Rhymes is utterly grating as selfish-prick Freddie, whose sole purpose is to make money… Tyra Banks has a total of about six or seven minutes screen time, and does literally nothing but make a cappuccino with a camera on her ass… and as Sara, Bianca Kajlich (now, this could be chalked up to a bad script) is dull and unintriguing. The remaining cast is not worth mentioning… at all. The “Blair Witch Online” approach is asinine, and serves only to give us moments of shaky-cam. The “style” of the film reeks of direct-to-video, and tries to emulate the original’s “moody blue” atmosphere. However, everyone just looks like a dark smurf, and the “finale” is overlong, boring, and capped off by two laughable bits: The obligatory “This is for her, and him, and all of them, you bastard!” chainsaw attack (which itself is hilariously cut short with an “Oh, shit.”)… and a karate-chopping, ball-zapping, one-liner-spouting Busta Rhymes. He manages to deliver three cheesy one-liners in this scene… in addition to countless others before… and one or two more after.

With bad direction, no plot, horrendous characters, an awful opening, and a truly laughable set-up and premise… and the fact that the film takes itself way too seriously despite this, Halloween: Resurrection is a steaming pile of excrement.

–Joshua Dean

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Good Premise, Bad Execution: “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane” (2006)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Let’s see…worst horror film…worst horror film…I could just post every horror film that appeared on MST3K (Werewolf being my personal favorite of the bunch), or anything from The Asylum, but that’s too easy. There are a lot of bad horror movies out there, but most of them are made by people who shouldn’t be behind or in front of the camera in the first place. Therefore, the worst horror films for me are the ones where there’s some obvious talent involved, but it’s completely wasted. With that in mind, my worst horror movie choice (always subject to change) is All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. My review:

When I finally got to check out the long-delayed (and still not available in the US) film All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, I thought maybe what I would get is a cool little horror film that I could enjoy from time to time. Considering all the hype surrounding it, I knew it wouldn’t be this decade’s “horror savior”, but I thought it could be pretty good.

Simply put, it’s not. Coming from someone who has really enjoyed some of the horror films put out since 2000, I thought this one was bad. REALLY bad. Let me break this one down a bit for ya:

The premise is good. No argument there. The idea of getting a bunch of guys together on a ranch with the girl they are ALL after could have made for some seriously good horror cinema. The problem is…nothing is done with it. All the guys trying to get with Mandy Lane are dumb as shit, and aside from talking about how they want to get with her, and occasionally flirting with her, nobody really does anything. The title of the film probably should have been “All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, But It’s Not That Big Of A Deal”. Maybe that was the point, but I don’t think so.

Moving on to the actual characters, they all are pretty bad, even Mandy Lane. I read in a review that the characters are more like real teens than the teens you seen in most horror movies. To this I say: Really? I mean, at this point we are used to the typical teenage characters, but aside from the black guy (who, for once in these movies, doesn’t act like a complete stereotype), these guys were as bland as slasher movie characters get, and cliche to boot. There’s the virgin (Mandy Lane, if you haven’t guessed), the jocks, the stoner guy (who thankfully isn’t as over-the-top as most characters of that kind), the bitches, and one guy who is there but really doesn’t have anything to do. For a film that’s supposed to be above average, it sure sunk to below average in terms of characters.

And was this a slasher film? I really couldn’t tell. People get stabbed and cut, sure, but for the most part people just got shot by the killer. I’m sorry, but using a shotgun in a SLASHER film doesn’t cut it. The suspense in a slasher film comes from the fact that the killer needs to physically get to you. When the killer can just blast you from a few feet away, suspense is the only thing that really gets killed.

Speaking of kills, there’s nothing really spectacular in this film. Spoiler: a girl getting a shotgun shoved through her head was probably the highlight. Sadly, it was also the first kill in the movie. I was thinking as I watched this that, if all else failed, I’d at least have some cool kills that I could talk about, but again, most of the people get shot in this film, so that’s already out.

What about the music and the look of the film? Well, if mostly shitty pop/rock songs and a look that’s been done better in a lot of other films is your thing, then you’d probably dig them. I didn’t, though. There was a bit of score music that I thought was good, but it was so underused that it didn’t really matter. They also went for a gritty, desaturated look, which works well in some horror films, but unfortunately in this film it made every shot look like it was from a video for a depressing country song.

So yeah, waste of a good idea, bad characters, no suspense, no good kills. Am I missing anything? Oh yeah, how about the ending? I mean, if the film ends pretty well, at least you’ve got that, right?

Wrong.

First off, we find out who the killer is about half way through the film. It just so happens to be Mandy Lane’s best friend, who she allegedly stopped being friends with after a freak pool accident near the beginning of the film. So yeah, I’ve already got problems with that. But this film isn’t done yet. Oh no. As the film nears the end, we come to find out that Mandy Lane is a psychotic bitch who is in love with the best friend now. So yeah, this film just went Natural Born Killers on us out of nowhere. But wait! There’s more! After all the stupid characters are dead, and our crazy-go-nuts lovers are about to off themselves, she turns on the best friend (like I said, she’s a psychotic bitch) and won’t kill herself. Then, he’s about to kill her, when a throwaway character from earlier in the film shoots the best friend (you just have to see it). The best friend isn’t dead, though, and goes Voorhees on said throwaway character with a machete (the character doesn’t die, though…um, what?). Mandy Lane goes running off, but falls into a pit with cow corpses in it. (There was a story about killing cows earlier in the film. I guess they thought they should throw in what happened to the bodies…whatever..) The best friend finds her, they yell and fight with each other in the corpse pit, then the best friend’s machete gets lodged in a piece of wood that she was going to hit him with, so she kills him with that (again, you just have to see it). Then Ms. Mandy Lane walks back to the throwaway character (who is unaware of her involvement in the murders for some reason), puts him into a Jeep, and they drive off. Roll some earlier footage of all the teens being happy, and a shot of innocent Mandy Lane that turns red. Cut to credits.

Excuse me while I borrow your barf bag.

So yeah, the ending was definitely the shit icing on the crap cake that was All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. I’m sure there are other, more incompetent films out there that would make better candidates for “Worst Horror Film”, but this one actually had the potential to be good, and that’s a lot more aggravating to me.

–Ryan Bozell

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Worst Horror Movies Ever Made: “The Last Slumber Party” (1987)

Slasher Studios*Bad Horror

Where do I begin? How do I categorize a “film” that is from an entirely different planet? It’s a horror movie that’s not horrifying in the slightest. It’s a slumber party flick that is unlike any slumber party I’ve ever attended. It’s hilarious and cringe-worthy at the same time. It makes absolutely no sense but I TOTALLY get it. It’s the ugliest looking movie I’ve ever seen, yet I think it’s an art masterpiece. It was the first movie of its kind and there will never be another movie like it. The Last Slumber Party is my #1 favorite so-bad-it’s-good movie!

It only runs 71 minutes, but I can honestly tell you that if it was 8 hours long I would never get bored. I’m not going to tell you the plot because it’s irrelevant. What makes LSP so bad? The production values are extremely low and crappy. Not only were the worst possible cameras used, but the quality of the film (and video) varies drastically throughout. One minute the picture quality looks like crap, and the next minute it looks like a piece of crap took a shit. The entire movie feels like a bad student film, and it probably is. The actors playing high school students look like they graduated from high school 15 years before. And you can forget about any believable special effects; you can see the blood squirting out of the fake knife.

So what makes LSP so great? Well the acting is horrible, but I find it endearing and hilarious! We’ve all seen bad acting, but you’ll be shocked and amazed at just how bad it really is. Don’t worry, there are plenty of drug-induced flat deliveries of lines and blank stares at the camera to go around. This movie is filled with plenty of stinky cheese to invade your nostrils! And who can turn that down? LSP also has some of the best one-liners from any movie, ever. “Because he’s so fucking good looking, that’s why!” “I was getting tired of booze anyway. Let’s get high!” “El Creepo seems to have vanished into thin air.” “What is this, stereo telephones?” “God I need a fucking valium!” “Oh Linda, don’t be so QUEER!” And one of my favorite things is how they reuse the SAME shot of the killer walking towards the camera with knife in hand throughout the entire movie! Talk about getting more bang for your buck. And make sure to look out for “final girl” Chris. She is one of the most entertaining characters I have ever seen in a movie, even if she does look like she did a little too much nose candy.

If you like hilariously bad movies, actors making asses of themselves on screen, psycho killers in scrubs, homophobia, nightmares within nightmares, and getting high because you got tired of booze, I recommend that you watch The Last Slumber Party. It’ll blow your mind. It’ll turn your world upside-down! And let me remind you: while you watch LSP, “don’t whack it too hard. You can get hair on your palms if you do it too much!”

–Jeffrey Lee

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